I met the friendliest cop last night
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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