Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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