Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
