i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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