my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
