I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
