She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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