Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
