cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
