Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
