I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
