The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
