You're a womanizer and a bitch.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
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