Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
