i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
