I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
