there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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