i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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