Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Found your dick twin last night
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
