I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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