Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
