and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
