my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
