There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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