If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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