i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My ATM looks so different sober.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I wish there were birth control emojis
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
