hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
