don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
