You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
