I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
