Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
