I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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