Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
