So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
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