I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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