help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
