Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
