I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
