as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You did what with his pubic hair?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
