This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
