My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My life is pants optional.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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