Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
