apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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