i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
