I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
