I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
