i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
