I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
