Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
