Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
