hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
